Cameras

"Smartphones are ruining a whole generation of photography."

-Crystal, in the midst of a rant on smartphone cameras, because of their low resolution compared to current digital cameras.

Thinking vs. Doing

Michael: It's going to rain today.

Crystal: You should put a plastic bag on your bike seat so your butt doesn't get wet.

Michael: That's what I was thinking.

Crystal: You should do it. Your thoughts will still get your butt wet.

Music Genres

We were listening to Christmas music while carving pumpkins. "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" came on. Crystal's response:

"Ok, so songs about animals, I generally don't like. Like Old McDonald."

This was after she pointed out the logical conclusion that if someone knew about Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, etc., then you could likely assume that yes, they'd also heard of the Most Famous reindeer of all. No need to ask questions, no matter how rhetorical. Take that Burl Ives.

Huh?

"Hey, are you hungry Michael? No hey. I mean are you Michael hungry?"

Pets

"I hate peeves! I never want to have them as pets" -Crystal

Waking Up is Hard to Do.

"It feels like I'm flipped inside out. That's what it feels like. It hurts. Like I'm in a womb. A cocoon. Leave me alone, I'm not ready to hatch!"

-Crystal, explaining the difference for her between waking up at 9am versus her preferred 9:30am.

She even promised me a small brunch when she wakes up if I wait til after eating breakfast to wake her up.

Cat or Raccoon

6 fire trucks outside our apartment of 30 units. No visible smoke or fire so, as they're breaking down doors, Crystal's question that she yells out our door to them: "is it a cat or a raccoon!?" 

Later she reflected that she believed she lost rapport with them in that moment...

Connections

Looking up from her breakfast: "You know, as much as I love puppies, I really don't like babies in flowers."

The Secret Box...

"This is such a great secret treasure box thing!"

Crystal, referring to the mailbox after Les Mis came in the mail.

Pop Culture

"OH... I thought honey boo boo WAS Kim Kardashian!"

-Crystal

Nickelodeon

Crystal, in rapid succession: "I bet Sofia Grace and Rosie will get their own Nickelodeon show soon. You can't get anything for a nickel anymore. Soon, people aren't even going to understand the concept of a Nickelodeon!"

Wikipedia lists their heyday as being from 1905-1913...

A Really Cute Animal

"Wanna hear something kinda weird that I just thought of? I wouldn't mind if we birthed a really cute animal. Probably a puppy, of course."

Carwash

You may have seen her facebook post:

We talked later that day. She asked me, dead serious, why everyone liked her status so much. She said she just meant it as a kind of public service announcement and thought her interpretation of the situation was completely normal.

Koalas

Crystal: We should get some eucalyptus. It smells great.

Michael: That would really bring down our Koala costs.

Crystal: What?

Michael: Koalas eat eucalyptus.

Crystal: I wonder if their farts smell nice...

Submissions from Lillie

Some Crystal Quotes that Lillie texted me...

Crystal (Talking about someone else on staff): If I had a stuffed animal of your hair...

_________________________________________________________________________________

Crystal (To the crying baby that she was holding): I'm sorry. I would nurse you if I had milk in there!

Foxfire

Crystal: She looks like she could be from "Foxfire" (Foxfire: a book series about old-time Appalachian life)

Michael: That's John Denver.

Two Things at Once

Crystal: "Are you trying to sleep while you're drinking?"

I just happened to be closing my eyes while I was drinking a glass of water. She was serious.

Well...

Crystal and I were on the couch last night talking about languages. At one point, she began to wax poetically...

Crystal: It's crazy that I still automatically know my Cantonese conjugations.
Aw Hoay, I go
Nay Hoay, You go
Aw-day hoay, We go
Aw hoy-joah, I went
Aw-day hoy-joah, We went
Nay-day hoay-joah, You guys went
Aw you hoay yee-gah, I need to go now
Nay you hoy yee-gah, You need to go now
You-goah nay mm-hoay yee-gah, aw wooay sahtsay nay-lah, If you don't go now, I will kill you

Lost?

While driving home from church:

Crystal: Where are we? Have we ever been here before?
Me: Every time I drive.
Crystal: Oh, it must be that the trees have leaves.

Must be...

Carpool

"We're like carpooling at a table."

Crystal's way of describing her, Lillie, and myself sitting at the same table.

Recent Submissions

Here are some recent submissions from friends of "Things Crystal Says"

From Tim in Davis, CA:

Crystal: "Jerk. See when you're 80 and dying and nobody wants to breastfeed you..."

Anybody know what literary masterpiece Crystal was alluding to in this slam of Andrew?

From Peggy, ...also in Davis, CA:

During a staff meeting...

Crystal: "Organization is a turn on for me."

You should have seen her the day I sorted and stacked the papers on top of the desk...

Real Life

"I was an intense fetus! I was in the womb like arghrrghaghrghaaarghrghagrrrrghgh!" -Crystal, before going on to explain that she intentionally pinched-off her own umbilical cord to experience sensory deprivation as a means to prepare herself for the harsh world outside...

She was serious.

Arousal

Crystal: "Are the white sheets arousing you?"
Me: "...why would they be arousing me?"
Crystal: "Because they're clean!"

She did laundry today...

Bonus bedding related quote. While trying to draw a parallel to the flat sheet on a bed, Crystal once referred to it as the foreskin of bedding...

More Children

"EW! CHILDREN!"

-Crystal as a family with a few kids rode by us on bikes. She later expounded by describing them as "freaky children talking squeebly."

Bad Deal

"How can you love me..."

-Crystal to me as she lamented an impulse buy and the extra $7 this "bad deal" cost.

March Madness

Crystal's response after her bracket started going down...

(She originally picked each win based on which logo she liked best)

"That's where I went wrong. I should have picked based on jerseys..."

Stress...

Yesterday Morning while waking up: "I'm really stressed. I think it's because I have so much work to do."

Phone call one hour later: "Remember how I thought I was stressed out? I actually just had to poop."

Forehead

"It's like, all of a sudden all of these things are looking at me that weren't there before."

-Crystal, referring to my forehead wrinkles and why she's so distracted by them.

The Nations

You may have noticed that, when telling a story, Crystal sometimes looks up, to the side, and to the distance when she's relaying something that she said.

I pointed this out to her tonight after one such story.

Her response: "I know. I'm speaking to the nations."

Harry Potter

A text I got from Crystal today: Theres a lotta harry ptter kids here in uniforms.

I would have been really confused if I hadn't been on campus earlier and seen the Future Farmers of America meeting...

Young and Frisky

Leaving small group last night, Crystal and I were talking about the topic of the evening, the Sabbath. Directly in the middle of one of her sentences, right in between "the" and "Sabbath," without missing a beat she poignantly asks... "am I young and frisky?"

Home Sweet Home

"My stomach is a home" Crystal said very sentimentally. (note: she is NOT pregnant) She then proceeded to ponder what it would be like to be an interior decorator for a womb and remind me that a baby lives in a womb longer than we've lived in our apartment.

Alternative History

While watching Pickett's Charge in the movie "Gettysburg": I wonder how this would have been different if the Confederates would have been on bath salts..."

Nutrition Commentary

"I don't think anything in the world is healthy." -Crystal, while making dinner

Harps

"Harps kinda annoy me and make me wanna shoot cupids like clay pigeons." -Crystal

Cute Twins

"I saw these identical twin babies today. It was so cute! Well, they weren't cute. It was just cute to see two identical things."

Giggle and Tricks

"Michael! Your singing is tickling me! ...(rambling laughter)... I can't stop giggling... giggles and tricks..." -Crystal. What?

Walker-Friendly

While reading an FAQ about a 5k:

Crystal: Aww, it says "this race is walker-friendly."
Me: Wha?
Crystal: That's so sad. How would it feel to have people running by you while you're using a walker?
She proceeded to frown and mimic someone using a walker. Completely serious.

Sickness

"oh shoes, this is what they feel like." -Crystal, venturing outside for the first time after being sick for almost a week.

Procreation

"I can't wait until our children are old enough to do chores." Lucky kids...

Lion and a Lamb?

"March hops in like a rabbit and out like roadkill. I just made that up." -Crystal

Butterfly Kisses

During our honeymoon, I batted my eyelashes on Crystal's shoulder one night. Her response: "STOP IT! I might gouge your eyes out! ...I can't be responsible for what my fingers do..."

Photosynthesizing

One time when Crystal was feeling giddy, she yelled this at me: "I'm Photosynthesizing! Stay there! You're a ladybug!" huh?

Affirm My Body...

While we were waking up, Crystal turned to me and said... "I just felt the need to affirm my body. Let me explain. I have to pee. I want to affirm all the different parts of my body that are making this work."